I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
