Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
