He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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