When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
