so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
