so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
