Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
