I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
