We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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