Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
