If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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