I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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