I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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