my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
