half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
