ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize