we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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