Your mouth is God's brothel.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
