Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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