theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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