Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
