There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
