I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
