He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
