dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
