I feel like I'm in dance class right now
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
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