I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
