My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
