i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
