i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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