Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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