it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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