I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
