Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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