so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
