Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
