so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
