I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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