I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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