There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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