overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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