Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
