People in love make me want to vomit
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
