It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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