Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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