Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
