i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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