Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
