Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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