remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
