I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
