I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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