KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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