um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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