There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
