i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
