You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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