I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
