Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
