Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize