my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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