Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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