I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
