3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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