I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
