I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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