I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
