I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
